Dear Adam Lambert,

There are a lot of reasons to hate American Idol (even while watching it religiously). This year, my number one reason is you, you musical theater acting, fake falsetto screaming, odd for the sake of being odd, cross dressing, eyeliner abusing, hair raising, drama queen douchebag. In a show chock full of attention whores, you are the attention-whoreist. You’re even worse than the guy who wants to be Justin Timberlake, and that’s saying something.

I also hate you for managing to corrupt my Simon! The only reason I watch the show is to see that snobby British bastard tell it how it really is (and to try to guess how many prescription drugs Paula Abdul is taking, but I digress). When he gave you a standing ovation last week it made me begin to question his sanity. I’m sticking with the theory that he’s just fucking with us and that at the end of the season he will admit that he just wanted to prove that Americans are sheeple who will vote however the judges tell them to. God, please let this theory be correct.

Finally, stop pulling faces when you sing! It isn’t remotely attractive. In fact, looking at your crazy snarling hyena face makes me want to puke. Don’t believe me? See the following examples:

Ugly face, #1

Ugly face, #2

And

Ugly face, #3

::shudder::

Adam, I wouldn’t even vote for you if Vote for the Worst told me to. You can’t get off my TV screen fast enough.

Can it, douchbag,

Project Openletter

A must have for Lovahs of open letters!

I’m breaking tradition to pimp something awesome.  This:

Pardon My President

My little brother got me this for Christmas and I must admit, it brightens Monday mornings considerably.  Every week there is a new letter of apology set to go postcard style.  Simply sign, stamp and mail.

I’ll give you a tidbit from the postcard simply addressed to teachers:

…No, I’m worried because President Bush’s secretary of education, Rod Paige, called the National Education Association a “terrorist organization.”

I’m sorry, teachers, but it appears that you’ve been added to the Axis of Evil.  Given the president’s record on foreign policy, it probably won’t be long before we begin bombing you.

Today’s postcard killed me dead because it’s addressed to orange of all things.  Let me be specific, it’s not addressed to oranges, it’s written to the color orange.  The address is The Color Orange c/o The National Gallery of Art.  That in and of itself is enough to get me howling on a Monday.  Top it off with an apology for turning orange into “the color of imminent terror” and I’m done.

So buy the book.  It’s fucking awesome.  (I swear I’m not affiliated with the publishing of this book).

Dear G. W. Bush,

I cannot begin to tell you how relieved I will be when your dick is pulled out of the country’s collective ass tomorrow.

Please, please, do not let the door hit you in the ass.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Project Openletter

Dear Co-Worker,

The chocolates in the kitchen are a holiday gift to the whole office, not just you.  It is unacceptably rude to stand in front of the box and bite the chocolates in half until you find a caramel one.  Even IF you plan to eat the others later, you are still being a disgusting hog.

Cease and desist,

Project Openletter

P.s.  Being pregnant *might* be an excuse, IF YOU WEREN’T TYPE ONE DIABETIC.

Reader Submission #12

A friend of mine has had an interesting day at work, courtesy of a slob who doesn’t do his/her dishes after lunch and a co-worker who has had it with the slob. My friend said that these dishes “sit for days. Soaking. Gross.”

So, earlier today, my friend sent out an email praying for a Thanksgiving miracle–that the person who is responsible for the smelly mess would clean it up.  While no one fessed up to the mess, someone offered to throw everything in the dishwasher. This co-worker, who was willing to take one for the team, issued the following open letter via e-mail to the whole office:

Dear Slob,

Whoever you are, you have some really gross habits.

You seriously can’t remember using bowls, mugs, silverware, glasses and tupperware and putting them in the sink?

REALLY??????? Nothing rings a bell, here?

Maybe you can ask Santa if you can please grow up this Christmas and learn how to take care of yourself!

Sincerely,

People who don’t like gross stuff

Dear Karma,

It’s my understanding that people regularly call you a bitch.  That’s really too bad.  Given today’s events, I feel that a title change is in order.  Maybe we could call you “Queen of Ironic Comedy.”

Breaking Ann Coulter’s jaw and having it wired shut?  Stroke of genius.  You’ve officially made my day.  Now, if you can somehow get a picture of the bitch in headgear posted to the internets, it’ll make my month.  Until then, I’m still riding my Obama high.

Thanks!

Project Openletter

Dear Bengals,

Thank you for fucking my fantasy football team by benching Ocho Cinco last night.  Granted, he’s been utterly useless this year, but a measly point or two would be better than a big, fat, goose egg.

Project Openletter

The Election. It’s fucking over.

In an effort to expand the viewpoint of this blog, I asked several friends to write their own open letters regarding the election.  I recieved several entries, which will be posted below.  I’m still working on my own letter about the election–I’m thinking of it as therapy.  Once I clear my chest of all election bullshit, I’ll be back on my way to stupid funny.  In the interim, please enjoy the following letters.  Additionally, if you’d like to write one, please e-mail it to me at projectopenletter@gmail.com.  I’m always up for submissions. 

Without further ado:

Dear Husband,

Stop watching Fox News, its over, seriously I don’t want to hear your whimpering and whining, HELLO! We knew all along McCain didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. Turn off the TV, take the damn sticker off your car so we don’t look like one of those dumb people with Kerry stickers on our car 4 years later and get over it.

Your Loving Wife

*********

Dear Crazy ex Church (and the co-worker who represents them),

Thanks for filling me with unnecessary fear for years. I am glad I found a church in adulthood that doesn’t look at every political event as the end of times. These were used to scare me into submission for far too long. I am thankful that I can look at this event with hope and not fear. Jesus doesn’t want us to know when he’s coming back and I am cool with just waiting and not predicting. I would appreciate it if you stopped making predictions about the upcoming presidency and just pray for our leaders to have wisdom and understanding after all he is our president. It would really help our country and Christians heal.

Thanks,

Annelle

PS. I think it’s really cocky to assume the anti-christ will automatically come from the USA.

*********

Dear America,

Thank you for making the best choice.

Love,

A happy person!

*********

Dear Bigoted Fucks in CA,

You can take Prop 8 and stick it up your ass.  I might like more things in my ass than you do, but government isn’t one of them.

½ Citizen

Dear Barack Obama,

Good luck tomorrow.  I can’t wait to vote for you.

Patriotically,

Projectopenletter

Dear Readers,

I have started and stopped at least 25 open letters since my last post.  At this point, I’m giving it up and calling it a day until after November 4, 2008.  After that I am hoping to get back to business as usual–letters regarding perverts, dog poop, shitty co-workers and life’s otherwise minor annoyances.

In the interim, please check out www.barackobama.com and please vote!

That One/Joe the Senator ‘08

Project Openletter