Reader Submission #9

Dear Wells Fargo Bank NA,

You’ve been pretty good to me since you took over Norwest Bank back in the day. Your tellers don’t talk back, and you pretty much leave me alone to conduct my business online. You’ve only fucked up a couple of times, and as I recall, you rectified those errors with grace and expedience.

So I have to ask, why the fuck do you INSIST on pimping your stupid, goddamned, motherfucking check card to me every time I come into contact with a human being at your bank? No, I don’t want to expose my cash in this fashion. I prefer the protection of a pin number to gain access to said cash.

Oh, sure, sure… you say I would have full protection in the case of unauthorized use. But really, now, we all live in the real world. Some assfuck gets my card, drains my cash buying blow-up dolls at Teasers Palace, and I can’t get a hold of someone in your theft protection program until Monday, *IF* I’m lucky. How does that help me when it’s Saturday night I need to get cash so I can buy dollar taps of Old Style at Toon City? And what about the other bouncing payments hanging all over the place that I get to spend weeks on the phone in customer “service” hell attempting to clean up with the Good Enough Diploma crowd?

Well, no more. Please kindly take your check card “offer” and shove it up your glory hole. And tell your marketing department they’re a bunch of hacks.

GFY,

Customer 3########4560

p.s. Can you also make a deposit with a lot of zeros behind it magically appear in my account? that’d be great. Just take it from Bill Gates’ Euro Disney vacation account. TIA!