Reader Submission #10

Before I launch into reader submission #10, I just want to say that I wholeheartedly agree with its author. Having sat through several hellacious gift openings myself, reading this letter gave me warm fuzzies in the depth of my heart. Without further ado:

 

Dear bride to be,

I am delighted to spend your special day with you. I am excited and looking forward to it–I say that with complete honesty. But what on God’s green earth possessed you to have a post-wedding gift opening?! Now, I know there are probably latter day brides out there who disagree with me on this one. And they can rationalize it alllll they want. “Oh but OUR gift opening was just lovely and everyone was THRILLED to be there!” “Oh we had mimosas and laughed–it was just casual and fun!”

No. Everyone is lying. Every.single.person. Gift openings are NOT fun. They are torture. Watching other people, even the dearest, closest friend/relative, open gifts for hours on end is NOT FUN. Add to the fact that you are inviting over 300 people, and the endlessness is nearly maddening. I know it may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t give a shit what your great Aunt Betty got you, and I have less than no desire to see you unwrap five different ice buckets.

Also, do you not recall the fact that your husband and 99% of our friends (and hence your guests) LOVE to drink? You are aware that EVERYONE will be hungover, right? I am sure you thought that starting this “casual” shindig at noon was the kind thing to do. But it’s not. Instead, don’t give into the pressure. Just don’t have one at all. Why? NO ONE WANTS TO GO AND NOW WE ARE ALL OBLIGATED TO.

But I know, I know… spending just a litttttle extra time with friends and relatives is all you want. And I hate to break it to you, but WE DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY. Ever hear the saying “You get ONE DAY?” It’s true. You do not get my Sunday. You get my Saturday (and actually, you will be getting my Friday.) You also got two other Saturdays at showers and two Fridays for engagement parties and housewarming parties. So NO. You do not get my Sunday. I don’t care how close we are or how much I might love you. You are being ridiculous.

In the end, this should maybe also be addressed to the twatwaffle who invented post-wedding gift-opening brunches/luncheons as well. FUCK YOU. You have single-handedly made millions of us suffer the inane banter of old ladies we don’t know while we nurse hangover and dream of sleep.

Signed,

Your guest who still might show up since now that she has received a formal invitation, she feels guilty.