The chocolates in the kitchen are a holiday gift to the whole office, not just you. It is unacceptably rude to stand in front of the box and bite the chocolates in half until you find a caramel one. Even IF you plan to eat the others later, you are still being a disgusting hog.
Cease and desist,
Project Openletter
P.s. Being pregnant *might* be an excuse, IF YOU WEREN’T TYPE ONE DIABETIC.
A friend of mine has had an interesting day at work, courtesy of a slob who doesn’t do his/her dishes after lunch and a co-worker who has had it with the slob. My friend said that these dishes “sit for days. Soaking. Gross.”
So, earlier today, my friend sent out an email praying for a Thanksgiving miracle–that the person who is responsible for the smelly mess would clean it up. While no one fessed up to the mess, someone offered to throw everything in the dishwasher. This co-worker, who was willing to take one for the team, issued the following open letter via e-mail to the whole office:
Dear Slob,
Whoever you are, you have some really gross habits.
You seriously can’t remember using bowls, mugs, silverware, glasses and tupperware and putting them in the sink?
REALLY??????? Nothing rings a bell, here?
Maybe you can ask Santa if you can please grow up this Christmas and learn how to take care of yourself!
Sincerely,
People who don’t like gross stuff 
Special thanks to “Disgusted Co-Worker (Reader Submission #4)” for sending in this e-mail she received from management. Apparently she wasn’t the only person completely mortified by the excrement of some of her co-workers. This mass e-mail is just fantastic.
Without further ado:
From: Manager
Sent: Tuesday, July 01, 2008 9:14 AM
To: Employees
Subject: Women’s Bathroom – GETTING LOCKED OUT
Guys – assuming you aren’t sneaking into the women’s bathroom, please disregard this email.
Ladies – we are about to be locked out of the women’s bathroom due to the abuse of the facility. We rent this space from XYZ, Inc. and they have contacted Sally a couple of times now in the past 2 weeks about how messy the bathrooms are. It could be just one person but we are sending a notice out to our temp and full time staff to make sure everyone sees this. If you “miss”… CLEAN IT UP. XYZ, Inc. has already looked into putting card readers on the bathroom doors that will only allow XYZ’ers access.
What does this mean?
WE WILL HAVE TO USE THE 2ND FLOOR BATHROOMS.
Not Good.
Manager
I had an interesting piece of non-mail today. Remember this? Well, the thank you’s have gone out. The kicker? We didn’t officially receive one. Someone I know was the recipient of a “group” thank you to be shared with my husband and I (and a few other people, all of whom bought/gave separate gifts). I’m told it’s a very generic photocard bearing a picture of the couple and the word “thanks.” The recipient was instructed to pass the card around by the bride, who apparently e-mailed the chosen few and explained to them with whom the cards were to be shared.
How thoughtful. So glad they enjoyed our lovely check. I’ll be sure to remember just how much they appreciated it next time we have to get them a gift. Currently I’m of two minds: 1) get a gift and enclose a blank self-addressed, stamped thank you note or 2) send no gift at all. The first idea might be a bit more fun, but the second is a whole lot less expensive…
I also want to take a minute to remind you all that should you receive a great mass e-mail, please forward it to me for posting. Any and all identifying names/places/dates will be changed. As always, I’m accepting suggestions and submissions of open letters e-mailed to projectopenletter@gmail.com
Thanks! No, really, thank you!
Project Openletter
Dear UPS Man,
If you are just going to throw my package on the doormat and walk away, do you really need to ring the fucking doorbell? My 18-month-old son that has been awake since 4:30am is taking a nap right now and I really don’t want it cut short. I’m expecting a few more packages this week due to my online retail therapy session last weekend and if you do it again, I might have to dick kick you.
TIA GFY!
Puffy pregnant mother of a toddler
Dear Lady at the Grocery Store,
I know checking yourself out is fun. I also realize there isn’t an actual item count limit for the self checkouts. But really, the signs labeling the self checkouts as “speed zones” ought to let you know that it’s not wildly appropriate to use the self checkout when you have so many groceries that you can’t even fit them all on the bagging scale. I bet the people waiting in line who were stupid enough to think you’d be done sometime this century were even more pleased to note that you then had to bag the whole tower of groceries in your own bags (whereas a regular register they would’ve gladly used your bags yet would’ve managed to do so in an acceptable amount of time).
Boo on you,
Girl who doesn’t have an unlimited amount of time for lunch
Dear Co-Worker,
I understand that sometimes you have to poop at work. I realize that this is sometimes unavoidable.
A couple rules you *might* want to follow:
1. Make sure you double check after you flush, No one needs to see your shit; and
2. If you have explosive shit, please take the time to wipe it off the toilet seat, Again NO ONE wants to walk into that.
I’d appreciate some courtesy,
Your fucking disgusted Co-worker
The following is an e-mail I received pursuant to a wedding I attended. Very funny stuff. My favorite part is “We appreciate from the bottom of our hearts everyone’s gracious presents at the wedding and your thoughtful gifts.” I think the Groom meant “presence” but had a bit of a Freudian slip.
Without further ado:
Date: Sun, 9 Dec 2007 21:09:23 -0800
From: Groom
Subject: Thank You Cards
To: Wedding Guests
Hello,
I hope that everyone is doing OK and ready for the X-mas season. I wanted to send out this email to let everyone know the status of Thank You cards for the Wedding.
We have yet to send out thank you cards. Please accept our apologizes for not having an acknowledgment of the wonderful gifts everyone has sent to us. We appreciate from the bottom of our hearts everyone’s gracious presents at the wedding and your thoughtful gifts.
For those of you who do not know, Bride and I are about to close on our first house. Our plan was to send out cards in recognition of the wedding, the holiday season, and the purchase of the home.
Please note that thank you cards are in the works however they probably will not be finished until next year sometime.
Again, we apologize for the delay but we truly are thankful and blessed for everything.
I do not have everyone’s email address that came to the wedding, so if you know anyone who is not included in this email and did attend the wedding, PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL ON TO THEM.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us whenever to talk, chat or catch up.
Merry X-Mas and have a Happy New Year!
Groom & Bride
Dear Husband,
While I appreciate the thought behind helping me out with laundry and your attempted efforts to separate the laundry, you are supposed to separate them according to color not whose clothes they are. So throwing my darks in with my white tanks and shirts and then not understanding why they are pink is not acceptable. So from now on, please keep your fucking hands off the laundry. If you still feel the need to do laundry, then only do your own. I hate having my clothes ruined.
Thanks!
Your loving but pissed off wife
Thank you for not jacking my friend directly in the face while in the bathroom at the bar Saturday night. I honestly thought you were planning on it for a moment. I promise that when she asked, “Are you ladies in line?” she was merely attempting to be polite. “Who are you calling lady!” with a sneer and threatening gesture was simply not the response she was expecting.
To be honest, I’m not sure why she called you a lady. Clearly, she was using the term loosely, as the average tranny is more ladylike. I’m all for sexual freedom and equal rights. Please don’t think I’m calling you out because you like to munch carpet. On the contrary, you deserve a big fat cunt punt simply for being rude. I’ve met Republicans who were more amenable.
I’ve learned a valuable life lesson. Next time I encounter a woman like you, I’ll just say, “Hey cunt, are you in line for the pisser?” Maybe that will go over better.
Go fuck yourself, lady.
Project Openletter
